| It's definitely time for another one of these.
1. I'm talking to you now as I'm writing this. We're going through old Xangas, and we mention each other a lot. Since I've met everyone, it's you who I've gone through the most ups and downs with. We break apart, and we bond again. Volatile? It's times like this when I think, "God, we're so fucking inseparable." I hate those times when I lose you. You really are wonderful.
2. Our ups and downs are much more subtle. You are my best friend, and I'm usually confident that I am yours. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows about you and me. We are top of the line, Grade A, upper class. Yet, I still don't think we're a package anymore. We will always be best friends. I've never been able to say this before, but I'm actually pretty sure that we'll stay friends. We'll go to college together. We'll live in some beachside apartment, party hard on the weekends, study up on the weekdays (maybe). I'll bring my bed with me, so we can still lie in it for hours and hours. We've both changed so much. I miss you, sometimes. I don't miss you in the sense that I don't have you. I miss you in the sense that I don't think either of us are friends with the same person we played flip-it with. I love you, now. I always have, and I always will. However, I was looking through pictures of us last night, and I miss the package. We came as a pair. We don't come as a pair anymore. Maybe it's just school getting to me. I haven't seen you in a week. This is odd, and doesn't happen often. Then, I think back to last year, when we almost fell out, as far as you and I falling out goes, which isn't really falling out. Despite what you think, and how you tell me to shut up, stop talking, you don't want to hear it, it really is true. I distanced myself from you, because I was growing weary of competing with you. You never competed with me, but I was holding this secret competition that you weren't in on. I don't think I can ever live up to you. Maybe I just don't know. Maybe you don't have as many omfgz awesomexfriends as it seems like you do. Regardless, it still seems like it. I've become your best friend. I mean that in the sense that everyone else refers to me as your best friend. Everyone knows me, but only through you. How are you closer to people that I go to school with? Maybe you're not anymore. I don't know. Honestly, we rarely talk about things like this, except for those times when we're lying in my bed. I don't think we have as much to talk about anymore, because neither of us complain as much as we used to. We don't really have a reason anymore. We've essentially gotten what we've wanted. Now that we have experienced life, we can start living it. And we did. Stupid school has a habit of quenching a good time. I think we need to spend the whole night out again, because honestly, that's when we reached the pinnacle of our friendship as of this summer, in my opinion. Then again, I don't even remember the beginning of the summer. I don't remember anything before August, because I don't think there is much to remember. This summer is August, and this summer was you, and me, and us. We are finally those girls. Let's not loose that. Maybe I miss having something to complain about. When there were five of us, I think our friendship was pretty much based on that. It's funny that so strong a relationship can be formed around a common complaint. I can't wait to live our lives. I can't wait to go to college with you, so we can finally live together, and then we'll find some cute boys, marry them, and live next door to each other. You'll come over in your hot cocktail dress, and I'll wear mine, and we'll sip red wine on my beachfront patio. We'll take Pilates classes and throw huge cocktail parties. You know, typically I'd say "yeah this will never happen", and maybe it won't. Most likely it won't. But, if we both want to, we will go to college together. That's a start. I don't care where you go. I'm coming with you. That's it. This was really long.
Where's your body?
3. I don't really know where this is going. I'm not really sure what you want from me, but I'm not going to complain, because I like things the way they are. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against more, but this is pretty nice. I've never had anything like this. I like this. This is good. This is more than good. This is fantastic. I feel like the whole fucking world around you. I like that. I like all of this attention. This is a ridiculous amount of attention. How can someone possibly pay me so much attention? Am I really that captivating? This is really good. It's really, really good. It's great. But I have nothing against more. And I wouldn't mind knowing what you're doing with me. Maybe I would. Maybe I'd rather just assume the best. Maybe I like hearing you refer to me as a cute girl when talking to your friends. Maybe I like knowing that your friends know about me, and maybe that was a little surprising. I didn't think you were going to keep going with this, but I'm glad you did. This is starting to drag on, but I have more to say. I'm just trying to articulate it. I guess, in summary, I don't know what kind of magic trick you're playing, but I sure as hell fell for it, and maybe I just want to think that it's magic.
4. We've become a lot closer recently. I think you're much more outgoing now. I mean outgoing in the sense that you're willing to go out. I like going out with you. You're really _____. I don't think I could describe you. Let's spend more time together.
5. I feel like I should say something to you, because I have some feelings about you. I just don't really know what they are. I guess that it's weird seeing you now. I continued to talk to you online, but that wasn't awkward. Seeing you is awkward, especially at school. I guess I'm used to _____, but I have to keep reminding myself that now it's junior year. Sophomore year is over. Sometimes I have to stop myself.
6. You know I love you lots. Honestly, I have no idea what I'd do without you. You are definitely one of two closest friends. I've already explained this all to you in poster box form (biiiig give away), but I just need to keep reminding you, because I don't think I do that enough. I feel like I'm not as good of a friend to you as you are to me, but I don't really know how to fix that. Just know that I'm always here for you, and I will do my best to give you any advice I can provide, emo boy. Oh, and, don't leave. You can't leave. Just..don't do it.
7. You're good to look at, pretty amusing, and I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to you than I know about. And you're good to look at.
8. Oh my god. Shut up, please. Nobody cares about you. Really. Keep your bitchy comments to yourself. Just because I don't shower you with attention doesn't mean you can be a bitch about it. It's just annoying. So stop. For the love of god. This might be why I don't shower you with attention.
9. Cut your hair. Please.
10. So, I read all my old Xangas, and it's hard not to notice that more than half of my Xanga-recorded life is about you. It's funny, because, when we stop talking, I start to wonder about you. I wonder what you're doing, and if you're thinking about me. I think about how I'm still pretty sure that one day we'll get married and settle down. Then, I start to talk to you again, and you give me all this shit about how you can never look at a girl the way you looked at me. You'd think that that'd be what I want to hear, but it's not. I don't want to be guilted into going back out with you now. Now is not the time to get married and settle down. Now is the time to experience new and exciting love, to feel the thrill of getting some poor sucker to tell me that he loves me. Now is not the time to begin a permanent relationship, and never have that feeling of fresh romance ever again. Now is the time to enjoy my youth. I feel bad for starting to talk to you, and then ignoring you, but you have to understand that I get scared. Now is just not the time.
11. Like you said, despite the excuses you give, in the end it's to benefit yourself. I guess falling out with me at the start of every year benefits you.
12. Why are you still talking to me? You have one use, and I made use of that usage already. That use is definitely not talking.
13. Why were you dumb enough not to save the frickin' number?
14. I mean, nevermind.
15. I don't really know how this is going to turn out. I think this is what I need. I'm almost positive this is what I need. I hate feeling guilt. I shouldn't feel guilt. Where's your guilt? Shouldn't you be the one with the guilt? You brought this upon yourself. You did this to me, to us. It wasn't me, it wasn't anyone, but you. I warned you. I warned you so many times. Did you not believe me? Did you think you were beyond this? You don't deserve my guilt. I have to keep reminding myself that you deserve every bit of this. I am not cutting you out of my life completely. I would never do that. You are such a big part of everything, and I can't deal with not having some things. But the bullshit is over. I refuse to be forced into this. You cannot force me to love you. And, let me tell you, you've done a helluva job of earning it. I hated you so much. I hated you so fucking much. I've grown past that by now. I've grown up. I don't hate you, but I realize that you are incompetent. We are not compatible. We never will be compatible. No one, not that fucking Mandler woman, can make us compatible. We will never have the kind of relationship you think we should have. And, considering the recent and long-term circumstances, as of now, we might not ever have a relationship at all.
There was less hate in these. I'm growing up. |
